(Stories for the young of heart)
Mr. Peabody, it seems, was not always a mister, Mister. He was once a boy and boy was he a boy! He was the kind of a boy who ran around half naked and peered around doorways and built castles out of boxes and dreamed of owning a cat.
When Mr. Peabody was a boy, nobody called him Mr. Peabody. Does anybody call you Mr. Peabody? Why would they? They just say, “Hey you!” or “Yo, Little Bobby.” “Hello, How’s my sweet pumpkin head?!” Well, Aunt Martha called him that, anyway. So, mainly, everyone just called him Jake. Or Jakey.
You’re probably wondering, so, when did little Jakey become Mr. Peabody and how? How does a boy become a man one day? Does he just run around half naked and play and shout and sing until one day they throw a big butterfly net around him and drag him off and say, OK, you’re Mr. Peabody now? Do you have to take a test to become a Peabody?
He didn’t know back then. He was just Jakey back then and the only Mr. Peabody he knew was his father and his mother wasn’t even a Peabody because she was Mrs. Poopyhead.
I’m just kidding! Her name wasn’t Mrs. Poopyhead! Are you crazy? Did you really believe that? That’s terrible. Do you think someone would hold up a nice little innocent baby with a cute little angel face and a little happy twinkle in her eye and say, “Hmm, let’s call this baby Mrs. Poopyhead”? Well, did you?
NO, of course not. You’re a nice person. You were just joking too. Besides, you’re too smart. You know you don’t call a baby Mrs., just like you don’t call a boy Mr., Mister. You call a boy Jake or Jakey or Nico or Gabey or Clark or Samwise or Bilbo or Frodo or Luke Skywalker whatever. You know, kid names.
Wait, I didn’t tell you the mom’s real name! Her name was Mrs. Right. Weird, right? Right, right? Wait, what am I even talking about?
It’s kind of funny because in the romance kissy kissy movies and books they might say, I’m looking for Mr. Right, like there’s one person in the universe that is right for you, but I don’t think that’s right, Mister. I think there might be an animal that’s right for you. Like somewhere out there is a tiger that’s just right for me. I could even call him Mr. Right and I could ride him around town and down the sidewalk and through the park. I could shout, “Ride on Mr. Right!” and everyone would dive out of the way into the bushes with their feet wiggling up in the air and scream “Oh no! Mama mia! A tiger!” but I’d just ride on top and wave and say, make way for me and Mr. Right!
If they said, “You can’t ride him here,” I’d say, “Oh yes, Mister, we have the right of way!”
If they said, “You’re under arrest!” I’d say, “Hey, I know my rights, right, Mr. Right?” and he’d roar, “RIGHT!” and they’d all scatter back into the bushes, feet wiggling in the air.
So little Jakey’s dad was Mr. Peabody and his mom was Mrs. Right and that’s all you need to know about for now, Mister, right? Right!